Of Spontaneous Combustion and Quidditch
by ali7
Summary: Susan Bones grabbed the recommended book and prepared to apparate. While doing so, she sent up a silent prayer to whatever god was looking over her. 'Please, whatever happens, please don’t make me have to deal with an angry Oliver Wood.' - A SusanOliver


**Of Spontaneous Combustion and Quidditch**

"All right Oliver?"

Oliver Wood lifted his head, glared disdainfully at Alicia Jordan who was currently hovering above him, and returned to bashing his head against the Puddlemere United goalposts.

Alicia shook her head, a smile playing on the edge of her lips, and flew to where the rest of the team were huddled, a couple of metres above the ground. "Nothing to worry about, he's just plunged into the depths of despair."

Roger Davies, ex-Ravenclaw and Chaser-extraordinaire, raised his eyebrows. "The depths of despair? But Ginny's always late."

Daniel Friel, the Puddlemere Seeker, grinned, "Yes, but he's probably under the impression that that Malfoy guy from the Magpies has kidnapped her in an attempt to ruin our practice and therefore lose miserably tomorrow."

Davies frowned, "But they're going out."

"This is Wood we're talking about, it doesn't have to be rational! And anyway," Alicia continued, "In his eyes Malfoy's still that blond Slytherin bastard; however much Order work he's done." She looked over to where Matthew Pritchard and Tom Godall's incessant Bludger smacks had momentarily ceased. "What…?" she began, and then fell silent, grinning slightly, as Ginny Weasley swooped down, closely followed by Malfoy.

"Hey Als! What's with Wood?"

Everyone swung in the air to face the Keeper, who was turning an interesting shade of purple.

"Good God!" said Malfoy. "Get the man a Healer, he looks like he's about to spontaneously combust!"

Wood soared up. "Get off my pitch Malfoy!"

Malfoy leaned forward to kiss Ginny, and then zoomed off.

"Now team," began Wood, sending a particularly disparaging look towards Ginny Weasley who was humming tunelessly and waving her left hand about, deliberately flaunting a large white-gold ring with an abnormally large aquamarine stone set in diamonds. Before he could continue, however, Alicia squealed and started firing questions as the redhead in much the same manner as the journalist Sally-Ann Perks, while interviewing Harry Potter's latest girlfriend.

Wood wilted. "What's going on?"

"Oh isn't it wonderful? Ginny's engaged!"

Wood blanched. "To Malfoy?"

Ginny nodded.

"Oh God." There was a pause and then Wood, deciding that it was safer to hold back his thoughts on his Chaser's fiancé, launched into his routine speech.

It was going to be a long day.

It was only when the Weasleys arrived en masse four hours later, to see if the rumours were true; that Wood finally allowed the team to have a break.

Ginny landed amongst a crowd of clamouring relatives and tried to reassure them that: no, she wasn't under the Imperius Curse; and no, she didn't think that decapitating Draco was a good idea; and if Ron even contemplated threatening her fiancé, she'd personally castrate him with a pair of garden shears.

The rest of her team mates were coerced into the argument, despite their efforts at neutrality; all except Alicia, and even she snapped after Fred and George implored her to speak her mind for what seemed like the sixteenth time. They had been horrified when their plan backfired and she declared that she'd shag Malfoy if he gave her a ring like that.

Nevertheless, it wasn't until James Weasley, (the eldest of Ron and Hermione's brood), fed Oliver a pill from Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes' Skiving Snackboxes after destroying the antidote, that all hell broke loose. Naturally, Hermione was the only one to keep her head long enough to Owl for a Healer. After that, she fell to yelling at James and threatening him with disembowelment.

Susan Bones was sitting in her flat above Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour sipping Butterbeer and feeling utterly bored when Matron Frindle's head appeared in the fire.

"Bones?"

Susan jumped at the sound of her name, "Matron?"

"You're needed at Puddlemere United's Quidditch pitch immediately. Takea copy of _'The Healer's Guide to Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes Antidotes'_ by Poppy Pomfrey with you, and return to St Mungo's afterwards with a full report."

Susan blinked. "Yes Matron."

"And Susan, good luck." Matron Frindle's head disappeared.

Susan groaned inwardly; this had to be the sixth time this season that a Healer had been called out to Puddlemere United, and the team hadn't even played any games yet! She recalled Daphne Greengrass, once a promising Healer's assistant, now a tourist guide in Spain; that had been the fault of one of Ginny Weasley's numerous nieces and nephews, all of whom seemed to appear at Puddlemere tryouts and practices. Just her luck to be on call today, when they had a match the next day.

She grabbed the recommended book and prepared to apparate. While doing so, she sent up a silent prayer to whatever god was looking over her. _Please, whatever happens, please don't make me have to deal with an angry Oliver Wood._

"Ron Weasley…" Vomit. "…if you don't…" Vomit. "…take your son…" Vomit. "…far away…" Vomit. "…I shall person…" Vomit. "…ally murder…" Vomit. "…him. Vomit.

James gulped and packed away from where Oliver Wood was throwing up, closely flanked by Ron. Ginny and Alicia, who were taking it in turns to get rid of Oliver's sick, grinned, and then sent sympathetic smiles towards Susan Bones, her face a picture, as she hurried over.

"Ginny, Alicia…Mr Wood."

Ginny snorted. "Mr Wood? For manticore's sake Susan, call him Oliver. It's not like he can stop vomiting long enough to correct you."

Susan his a smile. "What's the problem then? Skiving Snackbox?"

Alicia nodded, "But what possessed him to actually take something from that…child, let alone eat it, is beyond me."

They watched as Susan summoned a chair, sat on it and opened a book.

"What do you…" Vomit. "…think you're…" Vomit. "…doing?" demanded Oliver Wood.

She looked at him, "I am checking through _'The Healer's Guide to Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes Antidotes'_ so that I can heal you," she said severely. "What did you think I was planning on doing? Reading _'Passionate Trousers'_?"

Alicia hid a grin and followed Ginny over to where Molly Weasley was unpacking lunch. Molly always did have a knack for knowing exactly how long Quidditch practices would gone on for; maybe it was a mother's intuition, but Alicia suspected that Molly just thought that it'd be nice to stay until the end. Not that she was complaining; Molly's gingersnap cookies were to die for.

It was nearly three o'clock by the time everyone had finished lunch and Oliver had stopped throwing up. He waited until Susan had gone to speak to Molly and then whizzed over to his team.

"Right! I want the Chasers working on their Woollongong Shimmy…"

Alicia, Roger and Ginny exchanged looks; unseen to Oliver an extremely irritated Healer was advancing.

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded Susan.

"Ah," the Keeper looked decidedly sheepish. "Well, I thought that as I'm obviously fine now, we should continue the practice."

"No."

"No? But it's our first game of the season tomorrow and if…"

"And if you practise now, you'll be too ill to even set foot on that pitch tomorrow. Tell the rest of the team what to practise while you're recuperating by all means, but even contemplate joining and you'll lose all reasons for wearing trousers."

Oliver gulped.

"And," went on Susan determinedly, a trait in her recognised only by her fellow ex-DA members, "You'll have to eat lots of food and drink loads of water. I shudder to think the amount of nutrition you've lost through that continued vomiting. Now, come on."

Oliver looked round at the team. "Dan, work on your Plumpton Pass and I want you two Beaters perfecting your Bludger Backbeat." Susan tugged at his sleeve. "Yes woman, I'm coming."

Roger Davies winced as Susan sent Oliver a withering look. "Well," he commented to Ginny, "I suppose he might be better for the game tomorrow if this girl knows what she's doing!"

"Knows what she's doing?" Ginny stared at him, "You do know that that is Susan Bones, don't you? The Susan Bones. The one who saved Harry's life in the Final Battle before she'd even started training?"

He shook his head.

"Ruddy Ravenclaws, stuck in their own bloody world!" She shook her head and then tossed the Quaffle to Alicia, "Come on, let's go!"


End file.
